XXX: Return Of Xander Cage Review – One Of The Worst Bollywood Masala Films

Like many of us, I actually had hopes for this given its Deepika Padukone’s Hollywood debut, and the first XXX was pretty fun. But some ‘films’ don’t warrant reviewing. They exist on a plane of existence of their own and cannot simply be analysed and deconstructed through a conventional review, no, no they must be felt and experienced as a stream of thoughts and feelings. So here are but a handful of some of the thoughts I had running through my mind during the course of XXX: The Return Of Xander Cage:

– ‘What is this?’

– ‘Seriously, is this happening?’

– ‘Why is Vin Diesel a thing again?’

-‘………Lol Wut? ……..’

-‘This is literally just explosions and slow motion crap.’

-‘Oh dear sweet Lord, how is that dialogue?!’

-‘How has he been a part of other films that I’ve actually liked? How?!’

– ‘Does ANYONE in this film give any shits?’

– ‘No seriously, was Salman not free for this?’

– ‘Interval, interval, oh dear god please let it be time for the interval.’

– ‘D-Did I leave the gas on at home?’

-‘Why Deepika Why! WHY would you do this?’

– ‘This film would make Abbas-Mustan feel good about themselves.’

-‘Vin Diesel is a sux’.

-‘At this point even Rohit Shetty would be thinking ‘Nahiin yaar..too many explosions!’

-‘So much misogyny.’

– ‘I miss Rajnikanth.

– ‘Ok that’s it, I’m officially hoping the villain wins.’

If that isn’t enough and you still want some semblance of a review of this thing that is some semblance of a film, then sure, here goes. XXX: The Return of Xander Cage from ‘director’ D.J. Caruso is quite simply one of the worst action films I’ve ever seen. Its truly just terrible.

Where to begin? For starters, you would hope that if all else failed (which it SO does) in a film like this, you would at least have solid action and stunts to fall back on as some sort of saving grace, but close to none of the the action sequences can be appreciated as a result of the disastrous editing. Seriously, I think the only person more trigger happy than Everyone in this film, is that editor. I challenge you to find a single shot more than five seconds long. Add to that the horrid cinematography, if you can call it that.

You want to talk ‘performances’? Really? Do we have to? Ok fine. Deepika Padukone is luckily one of the best things about the film along with Ruby Rose, but trust me, that reheheheli isn’t saying much. The Oscar-nominated and infinitely talented Toni Collette, is supposed to play the role of a senior NSA agent, but in reality she actually plays the role of a mannequin. In looks, personality and performance. Vin Diesel has you wondering why you liked him in anything anywhere ever. I actually enjoyed him in other franchises such as Fast And The Furious, and I can’t for the life of me remember why. He’s just awful. All he does in Every scene is spurt out ridiculously cartoon-ish dialogue and smirk like a cocky four year old. After this, I hope to god that from now on all ‘acting’ he does is limited to the line ‘I am Groot’.

The cast is just a collection of international stars, aimed at creating a global appeal and to allow for the widest promotion. They just seem to have forgotten in all that excitement that at the center of it you need a half-decent movie to actually promote.

There’s also this DJ dude played by Chinese star Kris Wu who’s recruited into Xander’s crew for No Bloody Apparent Reason. Hes just a DJ who plays music, and cries like a baby when things go south. That’s literally ALL he does.

In the end XXX: The Return of Xander Cage seriously borders on so-bad-it’s-good territory. But all cruel jokes aside, its honestly heartbreaking to see how much sheer talent there is, in both actors and action stars, that’s wasted here in this sad excuse of a movie.

Rating: I’m going with zero…fucks were given during the making of this movie.

source: filtercopy

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